How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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