is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
