my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You're like the curious george of whores
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
