She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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