The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
