i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
