If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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