if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
