I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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