I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize