Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
