Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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