now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
