theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
