All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
