They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
