If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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