How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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