whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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