i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
No subtext here. People are naked.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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