i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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