before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
