I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
