I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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