wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
