I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
All the doctor said was why
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
