Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
