Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
