I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
