I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
