yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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