when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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