Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
