Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
