i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
