The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
