I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
