i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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