Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
