How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
