dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
