OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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