If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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