so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize