I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
