You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
