i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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