i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
