tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
