just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
