youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
