What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize