The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
bring money and cleavage
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
