Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
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